Finding Joy

Okay, it's been a little over a year since my last post and those who know me best know that's a long time for me to be quiet. The truth is I've had a lot going on (inside my head) that I haven't wanted to share until now.  If you read my post last January, you know that after two years of being unemployed I finally met an employer willing to focus on what I could do instead of what I couldn't.  Well, sadly I only worked for that employer for roughly 9 months before I made the tough decision to resign. The student's I worked with were great young men, but their needs together with my physical limitations and my need for a position with more hours and benefits meant the position had to end. Through God's provision, I found a full-time job with great pay and benefits. Ironically or maybe purposefully (the jury's still out on that) my path came full-circle and I have been employed for the last year-and-a-half by the same agency that I interned at 16 years ago. I am thankful for my job, but I am not doing what I set out to do when God put social work in my 13 year old heart, to help differently abled individuals become all they can be, no matter their challenges.
Why? Because I can't drive, can’t be on call,  can’t do home visits, can't do CPR, can't perform hands free restraint, can’t work without benefits and my personal favorite, I don't have enough experience, which I can't get. That's a lot of “cants” that I don't know how to squash. What's even more disheartening and maddening is that I have started to believe I'm not good enough, not able enough (capable of meeting certain quota's because I may not be physically able to; my able-bodied co-workers sometimes can't, so how could I?) I hate this person, this person is a doubter, this person is stuck and this person is questioning her purpose and yes sometimes God. This person has been known to read Galatians 6:9-10 (a verse that once encouraged her to keep going) and burst into tears. This person is me. I've always felt God was going to use me to help other differently abled individuals and in my heart of hearts I believe He will, but I am tired. I am tired of knowing I have the smarts to be a good social worker mentally but questioning my physical ability. I'm tired of rejection, tired of advocating for myself and my desires and getting nowhere, tired of people questioning what I know. It's hard to explain, but sometimes it really feels like people question my judgement (and it feels like they question it because of my disability). On the other side, sometimes it feels like people forget that I'm disabled, so they expect me to do a job in the same manner. Sometimes I expect that too, all too often I expect that I should be able to do a job perfectly and with the same speed and accuracy, but I forget that I may need to do it differently because I forget that I am disabled (I've never seen myself that way).  However, I now see myself that way and I don't like it. I use to be someone who, when faced with challenges or cant’s would become like the bull charging the matador daring those who would tell me I couldn’t to “watch me.”  Individuals have been known to go bald because they bet against me (book). Deep down I know that spirit is still in me, but it’s become harder to access because the way I see myself has changed. This shift in thought has led to depression and anxiety because I have been way too focused on my limitations and I stopped seeing the person God created, I stopped remembering His promises. I know I can't accomplish my heart's desire on my own, but I don't know what to do, or how to live out my purpose anymore. I have tried helping others who have challenges through motivational speaking, but let's be honest, marketing yourself is a full-time job and when you now have a much needed full-time job it's impossible! I know, I know, nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26). However, I don't know how to make that work either...If you have ideas please share.  If you’re still reading this, I know you’re thinking Amy, where's the joy? Well, surprise, surprise I've had it wrong, very wrong. Sin entered in and I forgot that God, put this desire in my heart and someday, someway, He'll see it through. I just hope I can get out of my own way when He presents an opportunity for me to move, to change, because right now I'm struggling to believe, to have faith, not in God, but in myself. So what am I going to do? I’m going to remember that God knit me in my mother’s womb (Psalms 139:13-14). I’m going to remember that He is the one who makes humans lame or makes them leap (Exodus 4:11  I’m going to remember that He will make all things, even my lameness, work together for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28)! When I grow tired and anxious (which has been happening way too much lately, so much so that I haven’t always felt His presence in my life), I have to remember to turn to Him and His word. I have to remember that His power is made perfect in weakness, that He calls me to Him, that He calls me to be strong and courageous because He is with me wherever I go and He is guiding my path, I just have to continue to call on Him (2 Corinthians 12:9, Matthew 11:28-30, Joshua 1:9, Proverbs 3:5-6, Philippians 4:6-7 and Psalm 16:7-8 &10-11). Here’s the problem with that, my flesh doesn’t want me to remember. I pray, but my prayers seem to go nowhere. Nothing seems to change and I start to feel very alone. But I’m not alone, I’ve never been alone, and I never will be alone (Joshua 1:5, 1 John 5:4, Deuteronomy 31:8 and Philippians 2:13). Thank God that He is stronger than my flesh!
We’ve been studying how to have relentless joy in church, through the book of Philippians and God has been beating me over the head with it, which I need because He knows that I am very hard headed, stubborn and not patient, which is good when you have a disability but very bad when your whole plan for your life feels like it’s going up in smoke (Isaiah 55:8-9, Proverbs 16:9).  Here’s what I’ve learned, what I’ve always known, but had forgotten (darn flesh)!  I hope it blesses you as it has me.

1. Remember that whatever you are going through is only temporary. I started on my journey to gain employment as a social worker in 2006. I know what you may be thinking 14 years doesn’t seem temporary, but remember that with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day (2 Peter 3:8). Also remember God is in control and his timing is perfect. Keep praying for the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4-6, Psalms 20:4-5) but also pray that God will provide opportunities to use you and your trials while you wait (Galatians 6:9-10). 

• Along my journey to become a social worker, I’ve experienced God-winks, the first was in 2013, three years after I was laid off from my first job. I had called an agency to try and get help finding a job but never received a call back. A few weeks later I received a phone call from that same agency, but it wasn’t from the employee I called for help, it was from the manager, who had seen my old (inactive) resume on a jobsite and wanted to know if I was still looking for work. When I went for the interview I found out that I was interviewing for (and later hired) to do the job of the person I had called for help. This was an answer to prayer, the circumstances of which could not be easily explained. GOD did this!
• The second answer to prayer, came in October 2016 after I had been laid off from my second job in five years. My church had started the sermon series Joseph: Seeing the Good in God’s Detours. Joseph trusted and obeyed God, no matter the circumstance, he didn’t complain and didn’t compromise his faith, because he knew God was in control. No matter the circumstance, Joseph was safe, God knew where he was, God was listening and God put Joseph exactly where he needed to be. Nothing happened to him that wasn’t approved by God. Whatever you are going through remember this. But also remember God cares for you, He will comfort you and He will save you (John 14:27, 1 Peter 5-11, 2 Corinthians 1:3-8, Ephesians 2:8-10, Luke 19:10, Romans 10:9-13, Psalm 34:17-18, Psalm 91:1-16, Psalm 94:12-22 and Revelation 3:19-22). During this sermon I was also reminded that God will use my endurance, perseverance and gifts to let Him shine (James 1:2-4, Romans 5:3-4, 1 Peter 4:10).  Joseph didn’t get mired in self-pity, instead, he used his circumstance and gifts to help others where he was at. It was during this series that I felt the call to share my story; the story of Team Chally and 9 months later on April 23, 2016, Making Independence Happen was published. A year and 5 months later in September of 2017 when speaking to a local rotary club, I met the person who would give me my next job opportunity. GOD did this and this brings me to my second point –  

      2. Be bold and courageous!

• If I hadn’t heard that sermon, I wouldn’t have stepped out on faith and way out of my comfort zone to write a book and try motivational speaking and I wouldn’t have met the person who interviewed and hired me to be a social worker for a therapeutic day school within the span of a few weeks (after two years of unemployment). If that wasn’t a divine detour, I don’t know what is! My purpose is to love others and give of my talents just as Joseph did. This means I am to be humble and put their interests above my own (John 15:10-12, 1 John 4:7-8, Philippians 2:1-4, Romans 15:1-3 and 15:7-8). My purpose is to share my life, my faith and to be generous with it (Acts 20:24, 2 Timothy 1:9, Romans 10:15, Proverbs 11:25 and Hebrews 13:15-16). I have a strong desire to help others. My soul is fed and my self-esteem is built up when I am able to help others in some way (helps).  I genuinely feel for others when I know they hurt and I am concerned for their welfare and want to comfort them, but I am not afraid to ask hard questions when needed (mercy). I like taking complicated problems and finding solutions for them (wisdom). I strive to be loyal and dependable in leading, guiding and protecting those in my care and I have a genuine concern for their emotional well-being (pastoring/shepherding). God made me this way. So let me ask you, how can I help you and serve you, how can I pray for you? I invite you to comment below, send me a direct message or an e-mail.
• Being bold and courageous also means I am to share what I am going through with others, especially other Christians, because they can help keep me accountable in turning to God when things get tough, they can encourage me, they can pray for me (Philippians 2:1-2 and Hebrews 10:25, Romans 15:4-6). Hence this post. Would you pray that God would provide opportunities to use my life for His will and glory? Would you pray that I will choose joy and seek contentment and hold me accountable to it?

      3. Choose Joy and Be Content.

• Choosing joy means I am to turn from sin and seek His face.  It means I am to rejoice in the fullness of who God is, keeping my eyes on Him and His promises. Choosing joy means I am to pray to God without ceasing and turn to His word. It means making Him my heart’s desire. Choosing joy means I am to have peace and hope, it means I am to grow in His grace and knowledge. It also means I am to be patient in affliction, even though I am not patient, God made me this way too. (2 Chronicles 7:14, Ephesians 3:16-20, Psalm 119, Philippians 4:4-7, Psalm 16:7-8,  16:9-112 Peter 3:18, Luke 8:14-15, Romans 15:10-13, Psalm 62:5-8 and Romans 12:12).
• Being content means I am to choose God put Him first. It means I am to trust that God began a good work in me and He will faithfully finish what He started. Being content also means I am to be happy with what I have, remembering that it is God who gives and takes away and He will supply my every need. Being content means I am to trust God and His sovereignty over my circumstances. God knew I needed a job with benefits and He provided. I am THANKFUL.  In the days of Covid-19 I AM extremely THANKFUL that my job affords me the flexibility to work from home when needed (Philippians 1:6, Hebrews 13:5, Job 1:21, Philippians 4:11-13, 4:19 and 4: 8-9, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Psalm 136:1 and 145:8-21).

But if I’m being honest, more times than not, when I have the choice to choose joy and be content, I fail miserably. By night fall I am complaining, every day.  I shouldn’t complain because God has provided me with a good job and He made me to work and work honors God and brings Him glory (Philippians 2:14, Genesis 1:28 & 2:15, Psalms 90:17, Colossians 3:23-24, Proverbs 16:3). Yet every day I work with people who get to be social workers, the very thing I’ve been made to feel I can’t do. I should be content because I know that there will be a day of God’s choosing where there will be no more questioning, no more rejection and no more tears. On this day, I will be made whole and I will be working with and serving God forever (Revelation 21). Oh what a JOYOUS day that will be, I’m living for that day. But on that day I will no longer need to help others, comfort others or shepherd others. I think that’s why being content and finding joy in my circumstance is so hard, because I want to make a difference while I’m here on earth (Ecclesiastes 3:12 and 3:22). I still believe God will use me, my disability and my job for my good and His glory but I have to be willing to let Him. You see social workers enhance human well-being and help meet the basic human needs of all people. We focus on individual well-being in a social context and the well-being of society. We pay attention to the environmental forces that create, contribute to and address problems in living. From the age of 13 on I felt that social work was the answer to my belief that He was going to use me to help others. Social work aligns well with my spiritual gifts so I kept pursuing, I never felt like I had chosen wrong. God opened doors and most of the doors he opened made me feel like I was supposed to be there, until eventually I didn’t feel that way anymore. Along this journey I have felt guilty and like I’m letting others down letting Him down because I know I haven’t been able to use my gifts to their fullest.  Thank God He doesn’t think this way, but He does care about my righteousness and my salvation (Philippians 3:7-11, Matthew 5:6 and 6:33). I shouldn’t complain because Jesus was rejected, Jesus had people who questioned what He knew and He was nailed to a tree and put to death even though He had done NOTHING wrong (Isaiah 53:3, Matthew 14:22-32, Mark 6:3, Matthew 26:33-5, Matthew 27, John 19, 2 Corinthians 5:21, 1 Peter 2:24). I have nothing to complain about. Just like Joseph and Paul nothing that has happened to me has happened without God’s consent (Philippians 1:12). My disability and my job have all been GOD approved and I shouldn’t complain.   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that God used the story of two men who were in prison to speak to me when I needed it most. Lord, forgive me for putting so much focus on my identity as a social worker and not enough focus on my identity as a child of Yours. Thank you for reminding me to be Thankful. For I am rich (not monetarily), I am blessed and I have so much to give.  Thank you for reminding me what it means to have J.O.Y. Thank you for speaking to me through this sermon series. Jesus, please take the wheel and use my life and my gifts to bring You glory.