Okay, it's been a little over a year since my last post and those who know me best know that's a long time for me to be quiet. The truth is I've had a lot going on (inside my head) that I haven't wanted to share until now. If you read my post last January, you know that after two years of being unemployed I finally met an employer willing to focus on what I could do instead of what I couldn't. Well, sadly I only worked for that employer for roughly 9 months before I made the tough decision to resign. The student's I worked with were great young men, but their needs together with my physical limitations and my need for a position with more hours and benefits meant the position had to end. Through God's provision, I found a full-time job with great pay and benefits. Ironically or maybe purposefully (the jury's still out on that) my path came full-circle and I have been employed for the last year-and-a-half by the same agency that I interned at 16 years ago. I am thankful for my job, but I am not doing what I set out to do when God put social work in my 13 year old heart, to help differently abled individuals become all they can be, no matter their challenges.
Why? Because I can't drive, can’t be on call, can’t do home visits, can't do CPR, can't perform hands free restraint, can’t work without benefits and my personal favorite, I don't have enough experience, which I can't get. That's a lot of “cants” that I don't know how to squash. What's even more disheartening and maddening is that I have started to believe I'm not good enough, not able enough (capable of meeting certain quota's because I may not be physically able to; my able-bodied co-workers sometimes can't, so how could I?) I hate this person, this person is a doubter, this person is stuck and this person is questioning her purpose and yes sometimes God. This person has been known to read Galatians 6:9-10 (a verse that once encouraged her to keep going) and burst into tears. This person is me. I've always felt God was going to use me to help other differently abled individuals and in my heart of hearts I believe He will, but I am tired. I am tired of knowing I have the smarts to be a good social worker mentally but questioning my physical ability. I'm tired of rejection, tired of advocating for myself and my desires and getting nowhere, tired of people questioning what I know. It's hard to explain, but sometimes it really feels like people question my judgement (and it feels like they question it because of my disability). On the other side, sometimes it feels like people forget that I'm disabled, so they expect me to do a job in the same manner. Sometimes I expect that too, all too often I expect that I should be able to do a job perfectly and with the same speed and accuracy, but I forget that I may need to do it differently because I forget that I am disabled (I've never seen myself that way). However, I now see myself that way and I don't like it. I use to be someone who, when faced with challenges or cant’s would become like the bull charging the matador daring those who would tell me I couldn’t to “watch me.” Individuals have been known to go bald because they bet against me (book). Deep down I know that spirit is still in me, but it’s become harder to access because the way I see myself has changed. This shift in thought has led to depression and anxiety because I have been way too focused on my limitations and I stopped seeing the person God created, I stopped remembering His promises. I know I can't accomplish my heart's desire on my own, but I don't know what to do, or how to live out my purpose anymore. I have tried helping others who have challenges through motivational speaking, but let's be honest, marketing yourself is a full-time job and when you now have a much needed full-time job it's impossible! I know, I know, nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26). However, I don't know how to make that work either...If you have ideas please share. If you’re still reading this, I know you’re thinking Amy, where's the joy? Well, surprise, surprise I've had it wrong, very wrong. Sin entered in and I forgot that God, put this desire in my heart and someday, someway, He'll see it through. I just hope I can get out of my own way when He presents an opportunity for me to move, to change, because right now I'm struggling to believe, to have faith, not in God, but in myself. So what am I going to do? I’m going to remember that God knit me in my mother’s womb (Psalms 139:13-14). I’m going to remember that He is the one who makes humans lame or makes them leap (Exodus 4:11 I’m going to remember that He will make all things, even my lameness, work together for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28)! When I grow tired and anxious (which has been happening way too much lately, so much so that I haven’t always felt His presence in my life), I have to remember to turn to Him and His word. I have to remember that His power is made perfect in weakness, that He calls me to Him, that He calls me to be strong and courageous because He is with me wherever I go and He is guiding my path, I just have to continue to call on Him (2 Corinthians 12:9, Matthew 11:28-30, Joshua 1:9, Proverbs 3:5-6, Philippians 4:6-7 and Psalm 16:7-8 &10-11). Here’s the problem with that, my flesh doesn’t want me to remember. I pray, but my prayers seem to go nowhere. Nothing seems to change and I start to feel very alone. But I’m not alone, I’ve never been alone, and I never will be alone (Joshua 1:5, 1 John 5:4, Deuteronomy 31:8 and Philippians 2:13). Thank God that He is stronger than my flesh!
We’ve been studying how to have relentless joy in church, through the book of Philippians and God has been beating me over the head with it, which I need because He knows that I am very hard headed, stubborn and not patient, which is good when you have a disability but very bad when your whole plan for your life feels like it’s going up in smoke (Isaiah 55:8-9, Proverbs 16:9). Here’s what I’ve learned, what I’ve always known, but had forgotten (darn flesh)! I hope it blesses you as it has me.
Welcome to My Blog, the place to find more information about my book, my motivational speaking, my other musings.and my media appearances.