The holy spirit has been knocking on the door of my heart again and I'd like to say I have learned not to ignore it, but then I'd be lying. However, I am slowly learning to listen to what He wants me to hear. I say slowly because sometimes my trial and what Satan says to me during my trial makes me forget that I have already been given the greatest gift – a relationship with Jesus!
I've been waiting 14 years for God to use my life and my disability to help others who also have disabilities. Ever since I was 13, I was sure my God-given purpose in life was to be a social worker, to help others navigate the challenges and trials of living with a disability. If you read my last post you know that every day I work with people who get to be social workers, the very thing I’ve been made to feel I can’t do. I think that’s why being content and finding joy in my circumstance is so hard, because I want to make a difference while I’m here on earth (Ecclesiastes 3:12 and 3:22). I still believe God will use me, my disability and my life. I never felt like I had chosen wrong, but lately I've begun to wonder. The object of my wait has caused depression, doubt and discouragement (three D's). Oh, there's been so much discouragement. The object of my wait has also become my idol. It's consumed my time and caused me to lose sight of what's most important. Along this journey I have felt guilty and like I’m letting others down and letting Him down because I know I haven’t been able to use my gifts to their fullest. Guilty because I continually forget God's promises.
If you are in the midst of the storm/trial or you are waiting for something to happen you fear may never come, it's going to take work not to let it become your downfall. You're going to have to work twice as hard to strengthen your resolve and keep the faith. Faith in yourself, faith that you're not alone, faith that your enemies will not win, and faith that everything you need will be provided. This requires becoming right-minded and changing the way you think – not an easy task.
For me this means leaning into Jesus and His word, it means asking for help from others to defeat the three D's. It means seeking to understand my situation, seeing how God’s at work in it, and finally surrendering to God's plan. None of which is EASY. It's much easier to get trapped in negative thinking, to feel abandoned by God, to fail to see how He's working in my trial, and to keep control of my own plan, especially when I have NO idea the direction He wants my life to go. All these years, I have been praying for God to use my life for HIS WILL and to SHOW me the path HE WANTS me to go. At various points during the last five years and nine months of this 14 year wait, I felt I was on God's path only to be disappointed; but the truth is God's path never disappoints. Now, I find myself in the midst of yet another possible interruption, only this time I am truly lost and have little motivation to keep going. Have I been praying the wrong prayer? How do I discover God's WILL for my life again and surrender to HIS plan? I feel ridiculous even sharing my current struggle, because I have my health, my job and I haven't lost anyone this year, not many can say that.
God is providing for my needs, yet I truly don't know if I am where I am supposed to be. So, until I do, I will TRY to #1: Stay in the word and keep praying. #2: I will be where I should be, doing what I should be doing until God asks me to move. I will ask for help. I will refuse to let my identity as a social worker become an idol again and if I fail, which I probably will #3: I will ask for God's grace, forgiveness and guidance as I learn to wait well!
If you are struggling and you don't know how to have FAITH (not necessarily religious faith) I can help. If you don't yet have a relationship with God and you want one, I can help. If you know God, but are struggling to wait well, like I am, let's learn how together! If you read this and you know the answers to my questions, please leave a reply, I really want to know.
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